emo part 2

This the second emo-post.

Ever being so fucked up, messed up or stress? Well, I did. It’s all started ever since before I entered UTP, when my dad once said;

“Zhafran, belajar rajin-rajin kat university ye?belajar untuk score dari awal lagi nanti bile dah nak habis nanti takde lah struggle gile nak betulkan pointer balik.”

And below is said by my friend, an ex-utp student during my internship;

“kitorang dulu score kaw kaw nak naikkan cgpa before intern.tapi lepas intern tu kitorang dah main-main and just focus kt FYP je.”

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And how about me?

Sekarang baru aku dah rasa menyesal,teramat menyesal sebab baru sekarang aku dah sedar ada betul gak both statement tu.

Yes.aku sangat-sangat STRESS sekarang.

It’s all started with the internship result, where I only got B instead of B+/A-/A. and the messed up part is, I might be the only one poor BIS student bastard who didn’t get DL for his INTERNSHIP, which it is supposed to be easy to get DL, but I didn’t. a very2 motherfucking humilitation I’d got in there. And another messed up part is, coz’ I didn’t get DL for my internship so my cgpa only naik berapa lah sangat kan. From 2.63 to only 2.69.so this goes to another,again,messed up part, which is :

“How in the hell am I going to grad with SECOND CLASS HONOR degree with this fucking cgpa?”

Ok, obviously I don’t know what pointer is considered being in a second class honor sebab I know it is from 3.00 – 3.49. ok la let say Im wrong. But still, I want to grad with 3.00 cgpa.thats all I need. Sebab nak dapat first class honor memang dah baibai so dapat at least tepat2 3.00 pon dah Alhamdulillah. See how pathetic I am? And if I want to achieve this, then I shud get DL for this and next upcoming semester.the saddest part is, to achieve this, I shud get at least A- or 3.75 of gpa to boost up the cgpa. And this is the most tough challenge coz’ I’ve set my mission too high and somehow it seems impossible. Tapi ape nak buat, sape suruh x score dari awal kan?ouh btw this week I’d faced 3 tests and all I can say is this;

“Baibai 3.75”

All tests really made me fucked up coz’ for sure lah aku akan jawab “aku takleh jawab”. So if it keeps going on like this then all my missions are all gone and u will see me, a PETRONAS scholarship student walking up to the stage during convocation ceremony after my name is announced in “Third Class Degree” graduate. Yeah another humilitation goes there which will make me a double ‘H for Humility’ stamped right on my face. Yeah I do care with this thing coz’ I’ve spent 3 years and the least I want to do is finish my study in here with HONOR.

And so because Im so fucked up with all these things, I forgot to mention the most important mission in my to-do-list which is;

“Quick confess to ‘her’ la goddamn it.u’ve only got this semester left before she leaves. Hurry up before it’s all too late”

Ok I consider this is as one of my important mission because she is in her final year final semester now. Oh did I forgot to told u ‘she’ is the real, whole reason why I didn’t mengayat other girl sampai aku kena chop ‘GAY’ among my friends here?yes I’ve always love her, ever since during my form 1 when I was back in high school. And yes u can call me a loser coz it took me almost 10 years hiding this feeling but I STILL haven’t told her yet.we are in the same college, the same class but how stupid and coward I am to not telling her this feeling. Im not interested in knowing her answer but as long as I’d confess it, I guess it’l be enough.just want to let her know.thats it.

And so as the climax, I’ve successfully fucked up with one of my best friend. What I did is the most unforgiveable but please trust me, Im really don’t know why in the hell Im doing that. I shudnt let my stress out by making my friend eventually become so fucked up with me. And Im deeply apologize for that.

To my dad,mom, im sorry for not coming home,AGAIN, during this mid-sem break. Zhafran betul2 rasa bersalah nak balik dan tunjuk muka dengan result academic macam ni. I really hope I can promise myself to them to change, to improve but everytime I promised them, im back with my old attitude. And when I start to think about that, it really hurts me. And maybe it hurts them a lot too.

To my friends, im sorry for being fucked up for all this while.i cant giving u a lot of excuses, coz it seems like a drama.

To Putra, thanks for your kata2 semangat and sanggup dengar all these things, and to tahan dengar aku menangis, (yes aku menangis.so what?).

Ouh how I wish I can travel back in my foundation time to fix all these things.

Till then,cheerio =)